We were supposed to go to church. We had a whole day planned to spend together. Ice Skating. Movies. Exchanging Christmas gifts. The last 6 weeks of our relationship should have warned me. I had been begging for you to love me and fight for me and make me a priority but it wasn't happening. I kept telling myself to be the bigger person and it will all get better. Ignore those thoughts running through my head of how I should just end it.
When you told me to return your Christmas gifts a few days earlier I should've asked if everything was okay. You played it off as knowing I was having financial struggles, but all I could hear was how hurt I was since I had put so much effort into making sure they were perfect. I was late that day. Meeting you at church. Since I had missed worship you had asked we go to breakfast instead and my gut was telling me no. I gave in wanting to please you and met you inside the restaurant.
I already was feeling sick. I had been recovering from a nasty head cold and lack of sleep. We hadn't seen each other in at least two weeks and I couldn't wait to tell you everything I had been keeping on my mental list. You were my person, at least for that moment in my life. I never needed you, but I had wanted you and maybe that was my problem, wanting you more than you wanted me. After we had eaten you brought up what else we should go do, as if the whole day was going to happen like we planned. You pulled a red envelope out of you pocket. You said it was the Christmas gift you had been waiting to give me. I almost didn't take it, saying we should wait and exchange gifts at your apartment like planned, but I opened it anyway. I'm much more of a flowers and personalized gift girl, but you gave me a gift card which still meant a lot. Then you went on to say how Christmas break from school gave you a lot of time to think about our relationship. I urged you on and you said how you thought about how we weren't going to work long term and how I was the one that said in the beginning if it wasn't long term I didn't think it was worth trying. I put the words in your mouth. Telling you that meant we needed to break up. You kept saying things like how I was the one that pushed you to spirituality and how that lead to your decision and how I was the one that always wanted you to be honest with me. Always tying to act like everything was for me, when that has always been your cover up and I've never bought it.
I regret that I couldn't come up with what I wanted to say. I wanted to ask if there was someone else, much like I had been that someone else when we first start talking and you were still dating someone. I wanted to ask when you gave up on me. I wanted to ask if you had planned this all along. I didn't cry. I barely said anything. I told you we would mutually end it. You tried to play the whole "we will still be friends. You're one of my best friends. Noting will change" act. No way jose. You told me to keep the money you had given me and to return the load of gifts sitting in my front seat. That hurt more than it should've because I had so looked forward to watching you open them. I started walking out and you stopped me to hug me and say you'd see me around. I was numb.
What surprised me is part of me was relieved. I knew I would've had to end ties eventually and I was surprised you had stepped up and done it yourself. You were always the one to cry first during a fight and your lack of confidence is evident to everyone around you. I always knew deep down you weren't good enough for me because I could never truly lean on you and grow from you, it was me leading you. I gave up so much for you. That was what hurt the most. The fact I would never get that back and I felt like I failed and you walked away winning. I wanted to cry, but you weren't worth it.
That was yesterday.
Every time I drove in my car today I thought about how I just wanted to call you and talk about my day and hear how yours was going. It will get better. The days are getting longer and the spring will be here soon and I know I will be able to live happily in my independence again.
You brought me down as a person by holding me back. You asked me to give up things I had never done for anyone else. I was too good for you. I know now to not give up so much so fast. To stand my ground more. To have higher standards. To be with someone who follows their dreams rather than settles. To learn how to fight for someone as much as you want them to fight for you. I've always known you cannot change anybody. The idea you have of them in your head is far from reality. The hope that came with you the first time I saw you was too good and it dwindled my fire.
I'm thankful it happened just as the new year came. I love the New Year and all the cliches that come with it so maybe it worked out best that way. I believe in the good things coming.
